​I WONDER IF I KNEW I WAS… by Pennie Hunt

I was not raised in a wealthy family. I never noticed. We always had clothes to wear and food to eat. Our vacations revolved around road trips to see grandparents or a camping adventure. We were taught to be respectful, do chores, and not talk back. My siblings and I spent most of our days building roads in the sandbox, riding our bikes to the swimming pool, and squabbling as kids do. It was a simple time. A happy time.

I wonder if I knew I was happy when I was happy?  

I was in 9th grade when I took my first plane trip. We went to my uncle’s funeral. I remember seeing him at the visitation and crying uncontrollably. It was my first experience with grief. It was a new feeling in my gut. It hurt in a new way. ​It was not like a skinned knee from a bicycle crash. It was a wound to my heart that I had never felt before.  

I wonder if I knew I was grieving when I was grieving?

I have a photo of me when I was 22. I weighed 97 lbs. This was much less than my ‘normal’ thin weight. I was married and had a toddler and a newborn. I was not eating and crying a lot. Looking at this photo and remembering that time, it is obvious I was struggling with postpartum depression. I do not remember anyone asking me if I was ok, after all, everything in my world seemed perfect. Postpartum depression was not a term that was used back then.

Looking at the photo of this sad girl, I wonder if I knew I was depressed when I was depressed?

So many times in life, we rush through experiences, good and bad, with an oblivious heart. We don’t feel the moment for what it is. We glaze over the emotions we are feeling- until we look back.

Memories have a way of waking up past emotions. Looking at photographs, watching home videos, or bumping into an old friend can suck them right back to the surface in a new way.

When you run into an old flame, you might remember the break-up, but when you see them, you may also remember the happy times that the pain buried.

Watching those home videos of your childhood, you may be struck by the memories of how much you wanted to be a grown-up. How much you wanted your childhood to speed by so you could jump into life. You may also realize that this part of your life went by too fast and that you yearn for that time again. The simple time. The happy time.

Looking at old photos of you, you may be overwhelmed by feelings. The excitement of when you were a teenager playing high school sports. The thrill of wearing that tux or white dress, walking down the aisle to begin a new life, and wondering what the future would hold. Oh, how young you looked. The combination of love and fear that filled your heart in the photo of you holding your newborn. And the grief that pours from the photo of you holding your loved one’s hand as they passed.

There is nothing like a photo album to walk you through your life in an emotional way.
And with every photo, you wonder…if you knew then what you feel now.
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                                                  Pennie’s Life Lesson:
                                                       Don’t rush life.
                              Feel the emotions that every moment gives. 
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​YOUR TURN...        Share your thoughts and experiences relating to this post in a comment below.  And please feel free to email me  at:
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                                                                 Thank you!  ​
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                             This was written and produced by Pennie Hunt.
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