IT’S HARD TO KNOW WHEN HELP ISN’T HELPING by Pennie Hunt 2-26-2025

Sometimes I hear a concept that forces me to think. A thought, a phrase, a word that makes me ponder about how it relates to my life and mistakes I have made.
I was with a group of friends talking and someone said,
“It is hard to tell when help isn’t helping.”

Woah. ​Let that settle into your brain for a minute. How many times in life do we think we are giving help, but it really isn’t helping?

When my children were learning to walk, I was terrified that they would fall and bump their heads on the corner of my coffee table. I would hover over them as they took their wobbly steps and caught them right before they lost their footing. I thought I was helping, but the reality is, when they fell, they learned how to get back up on their own. Their balance improved. Falling was a lesson they needed to learn.

When they were school-age, I could have been considered a helicopter mom. I would run the lunch box or homework to school when it had been forgotten and left on the kitchen counter. Was I helping them or keeping them from learning the consequences of their forgetfulness? Maybe one day of missing lunch, or a zero on an assignment would have taught them not to forget the next time.

It took me parenting my 3rd young adult before I learned this valuable lesson… I would see things I felt he needed to do differently and give my advice on how his life should be lived. Of course, I would write a check to fund the steps needed to carry my advice through. I thought I was helping, but I was keeping him from making his own decisions, living his own life, and making his own mistakes. It took a few years (and a lot of checks) before I realized if I stopped giving advice, I would stop writing checks. I can’t say this any clearer – When you stop giving advice, you stop writing checks!

There have been times in life when family members and friends have formed a relationship with someone, I didn’t feel was a good match for them. Expressing those thoughts didn’t typically change their feelings for the person. Relationships will work out, or not work out, in time. In the process, lessons are learned. In most cases, it is better to be an outside observer and watch the process. Telling them what you feel about the relationship doesn’t help.   

In life, there is something to be said for letting a man be a man and letting a woman be a woman. We all need to feel empowered to get up when we fall – even if we bump our heads in the process. Falling is painful, but it teaches us how to get back up. We learn how to be resilient. People need to stand on their own feet and walk their own paths.  

We will all have setbacks when we make a poor decision, lose money, or find ourselves in the wrong relationship. A bad decision has consequences, but it creates a foundation for better decision-making in the future. Losing money is painful but teaches an appreciation for earning more and self-respect for paying our own way. Relationship breakups hurt but it teaches us what we don’t want in a future long-term relationship.

From the outside, it is difficult to watch a friend or family member go through these lessons. It is easier to step in with advice, proposed solutions, and financial support to correct the failures. But… are they failures? Maybe they are stepping stones in their path of life. Lessons they need to learn to become stronger. Experiences they need to have to become the person they are meant to be.
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                                                  Pennie’s Life Lesson:
                                  It is hard to tell when help isn’t helping.
                                    Sometimes what you think is helping
                            hinders the intended path of someone else’s life.
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YOUR TURN...        
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