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ISN’T 15 YEARS LONG ENOUGH? By Pennie Hunt

9/9/2022

4 Comments

 
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Fifteen years ago this week I lost my son. I never use that word, lost. I hate it. I have always said he passed as if passing into a new life on the other side, passing into heaven, or passing through the white light explained where he went. The term ‘lost’ made me feel like I would forever be searching for him. That there would be a chance he would return, rejoin my life and tell stories of his adventures. When someone is lost there is always the hope that they will be found.

Death doesn’t work that way.

Grieving a child is an endless process. A roller coaster of heart-stopping drops and endless climbing. We climb to be strong enough to walk through life with the outward look of normality while covering the permanent inner change of our DNA. And we are changed. Every tiny molecule of our DNA is changed.

I remember a conversation with my older son after the funeral when he said,
   “Mom, what will it be like when he has been gone 10 years?
    What if we forget him?”

My response was,
   “Oh honey, 10 years is a long time away.
    And we will never forget him!”

Well, that marker came and went and here we are at 15 years. Comments like, “getting over it,” “being done,” or “forgetting” do not relate to my grief. If that were true, wouldn’t 15 years be long enough?

Fifteen years ago this week my son passed, but he isn’t lost. He sits with me when I write and stands with me when I speak. He giggles through the twinkle in his daughter’s eyes and belly laughs with us when we share stories of him. I can feel his baby hand wrap around my finger as I rocked him and hear his cries in the night. He comes back to me when I drive his truck and he sings along when Bob Dylan is played on the radio.

He would be 37 now, but he is not. My memories flash from his movements in my belly as I carried him to seeing him the last time when he was 22. Forever 22 as people say when talking about a loved one who has passed. I remember my 22-year-old son with clarity as if he were sitting in front of me as I type this. His beard, his smile, his crooked baseball cap and his laugh. I remember how it felt to be hugged by him while the bristles of his beard brushed against my face.

For 15 years I have searched these memories. I have closed my eyes as I held his guitar to hear him sing as he played it. I have opened plastic bins to unfold and refold his favorite clothes, holding them tightly to my face in hopes of smelling a faint scent of him. I have driven his truck to feel his hands on mine as together we hold the steering wheel. These memories don’t wear out and are never used up.

Fifteen years ago this week my son passed. Fifteen years is a long time, but not long enough to get over it, be done with grief or forget him. The reality is that I loved him from his first movements in my belly and I will grieve for him until the day I pass into a new life, into heaven or walk into the white light to join him.
When I do, I am sure he will say,
            “Mom, I never left you and now your grieving ends.
​                                  It has been long enough.”

                                                      ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Pennie’s Life Lesson:
            When your loved one dies, they are never lost.
                             They are always with you.

                                                         ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

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Jameson Tanner (J.T.) 1985-2007
YOUR TURN...        
Share your thoughts and experiences relating to this post in a comment below.  And please feel free to email me  at:
 PennieHunt@gmail.com.
 
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4 Comments
Ann
9/11/2022 04:32:05 pm

Our daughter die 16 years ago what you wrote really hit home in my heart. She was 33 and left behind 3 children 3 month,3 years and 6 year old. I see her face in them. Not a day goes by I don't think of her. My heart still weeks for her. I will never forget her or get over this. I look for the day we will be reunited.. Her hugs where so powerful and her laugh amaxing!

Reply
Pennie Hunt link
9/11/2022 06:53:58 pm

Ann, I am so sorry to hear that you understand so clearly this pain. Remembering the hugs is the best!
I surround you with healing love.
Pennie

Reply
Robert Walters
9/12/2022 07:59:53 am

Thank you for your words and your sharing of a topic near and dear to your heart. My heart goes out to you as I am no stranger to "loss," which takes many forms.

I thank God that I have been spared some tragedies, such as the loss of a child for whatever reason. I have friends who lost children through terminal illness because in part it was beyond the medical state of the art to battle and more importantly overcome it. I have friends who have lost children through tragedy, which somehow seems avoidable, like being killed by an impaired driver or death through substance abuse. In these cases, parents have to find a way to carry on. Like you, they share the memory. In some cases, the wondering about those "what ifs." I cannot imagine. I don't believe one ever gets over the loss and continue to grieve many, many years following. They have moments when the loss seems bigger, possibly triggered by a memory or an incident to remind them of the departed.

My losses are a best friend who committed suicide, and a brother who committed suicide. I have lost other family members. Probably the loss of my mother is the most prominent. Death is a given. We all face death. We experience the loss of those important to us in some way. When a person seems to have had a long, full life, we memorialize their lives in some form of celebration. Not so much the case with one who has died much before "their time."

Like everyone, I also have nondeath related challenges, which also are a part of life. Somehow, my personal "take away" is that most everything happens for a reason, which may not even be apparent in hindsight. Many times, some of my bigger challenges seemed to prepare me for something I was yet to face. Sometimes, it allowed me to provide encouragement to someone who might be facing a similar challenge. Yet other times, I simply don't know. Maybe the experience was for someone else's benefit, and somehow God was able to use it or the person gained something from whatever I may have been able to share.

One thing I do know is that a person's experiences, especially if related to the death of another, serves a purpose. I won't pretend to know what those purposes might be. Who knows? You may have become a writer regardless. You might have provided other forms of wisdom, support and encouragement under some other subject. You might have just continued life as it was before facing all the different challenges each of us faces.

Life to me isn't about challenges as it is an opportunity to live. I can't say that I have achieved all my goals. There are still things on my Bucket List. For now, I am thankful. It isn't always easy. That said, there is still much to experience whether for the benefit of others or me. I just hope that God finds ways to use me. In ways I can see and even those I can't.

Reply
Pennie Hunt link
9/14/2022 04:55:00 pm

Thank you for that thoughtful comment. I always think when we share stories that others find comfort and a common bond. It is a form of support even if we don't know each other.
I like that you see opportunities and not just challenges in life. I do believe all challenges are giving us opportunities to grow.
Thank you again for reading and commenting!!
Pennie

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    Author

    There is a certain magic about where I live both physically and spiritually – on the crossroads of Spirit and Brave. 

    It seems appropriate that my writings be found under the sign that locates my life.  I wish for all of you the ability to live in your Spirit to experience a life filled with love and gratitude and be Brave in the learning of your life lessons. 

    Enjoy!
            Pennie


     

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