SOMETIMES I DON'T WANT TO THINK ABOUT YOU

Sometimes I don’t want to think about you.
I want you out of my mind.  
I want empty space.  
I want a white screen. 
I want a fresh canvas.  
I want a blank page. 

I don’t want to think about the day you were born.  That look in your eye telling me more joy and pain than I could ever imagine was ahead of me. 

I don’t want to think about your blonde baby hair and those killer brown eyes.

I don’t want to think about watching you ride your bouncy horse-- boots, chaps and hat on, swinging plastic guns and yelling, “Giddy up” as you flew across your imaginary world.

I don’t want to think about how many skateboards you went through, how we hung the broken ones on your bedroom wall like trophies and the surgical stitches that became your scars of honor. 

I don’t want to think about home runs, hockey goals and potential.

I don’t want to think about fishing, hiking and camping trips.

I don’t want to think about balloons, parties and 22 years of blowing out candles.

I don’t want to think about the drumming, the singing, the music that spilled from you – and the music left inside.

I don’t want to think about the jokes, the joys, the fights, the I’m sorrys and the I Love Yous.

I don’t want to think about the days of celebration and the long nights of worry. 

I don’t want to think about how your hugs felt. How your laugh sounded.

I don’t want to think about the phone call that ended the memory stream. 

I don’t want to think about how you leaving shattered my heart.  The strength it took to mold it back together and the unrepairable cracks left open where pain whistles through with every breath I take.

I don’t want to think about the tears, the regrets and the hurt. 

I don’t want to think about that oak box, 
the baskets of flowers
and your silent guitar.

I don’t want to think about everything that has happened since.

I don’t want to think about how many years I have ahead without you.

Sometimes I don’t want to think about you.  I don’t want the constant pain.  I don’t want the reminder of what I no longer have. I don’t want memories attaching to my every experience, my every move and my every breath.

I want empty space.  
I want a white screen. 
I want a fresh canvas. 
I want a blank page --to rewrite the story.
​
Sometimes I don’t want to think about you.…
     And then, I do. 

              ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Pennie’s Life Lesson:
     “Hold tightly to the people you love.          
           Someday you will only hold
​                     thoughts of them.”

---

J.T.
Jameson Tanner
​1-14-1985  - 9-13-2007

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                PennieHunt@gmail.com. 
                          Thank you!  
                ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
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